princess_of_ida | IC Inbox

ok.

to be hurt. that's not surprising - it feels more like penance.

So you want to be punished, not feel the pain?

I guess so, yeah.

Let's dig into that. Why do you feel you should be punished? Yes, I know you ate people in the caves but that was Hell and our monsters were half in control. We were all under duress and being invaded by feelings that weren't ours. So go deeper than that.

that's a pretty fucking big reason to feel bad, Ianthe.

I got my boyfriend hurt.
and for what? so the duchess could be disappointed in me?

Feeling bad is not the same as wanting to be harmed. First of all, Grady chose to go to the caves. He chose to stay and not leave. Don't take away his autonomy. That said, you helped find and return her heart, which was important. Yeah, I get that she wasn't grateful to you, but would you rather have the heart not returned, people not get Resurrected, to spare your feelings? Everything has a cost, Iggy. Sometimes that cost really ducking sucks.

sorry.

sorry.

OK I'm just gonna go because I actually feel shittier now? I don't know why I bothered you in the first place.

No. Don't do that. Don't run away from this. We won't figure out what to do if we don't know the cause. Finding those causes hurt. I am trying to help. I don't have a magical cure. But I know to get pus out you need to lance the abscess. So let's work through this.

I have a lot I want to say and none of it is useful, so I'm not gonna bother. we'll just focus on the problem.

I appreciate your help.

okay. so. my hurt is dumb, what next?

Say it. Get it out.

say what? I said why I was upset and you told me why it was stupid and selfish.

You just told me that you have a lot you want to say but none if it was useful. I was giving you a space to say it. Also I never said it was stupid and selfish. Those are your words, not mine. I'm trying to find out why you're seeking pain. I do think you're taking too much responsibility for other people's choices. So whatever you want to say,no matter how useless you think it is, go ahead and say it. I'm listening.

well. thanks. but of course I think it's stupid and selfish when the first thing you say when I explain why I'm upset is "well wtf Iggy did you want it to go down different to spare your feelings?" of course I don't want that. I was just saying how I felt. and yeah ok that's on me, it's stupid as fuck to expect you to be anything but harsh.

I know why I want to be hurt, it's because I did bad things. I'm not supposed to hurt people. it's not why I exist. I'm supposed to help people, but I keep fucking it up. and now it's like I'm starting to hurt people on purpose. I can't let that shit start. it's petty and it's cruel.

also: I do not want cannibalism to be my new hobby. I really don't.

[There's a bit before Ianthe replied. Sometimes empathy was hard to put in words.]

Okay. I hear you. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I have a theory as to what might be happening. It's not a solution, but it could be a place to work from if you think it makes sense. Do you want to hear it?

it's ok. I know I'm oversensitive.

yes, please.

I have learned through my research into the monster transformations that both high levels of emotional and physical pain can provoke a transformation. My theory is that you're caught in a recurring cycle with your monster that is difficult to break free from. You hurt people in the caves. You're upset with yourself for doing it and seek punishment. That punishment, either physical from another or emotionally self-inflicted, is hurting you enough that it causes your monster to start to come out. That makes you want to or actually hurt people, which then starts the cycle over again. Does that make any sense?

actually

yeah. wow.

so. wait. does that mean that I really should just... stop?

Either that or push yourself into a full transformation to reset. Assuming you can be contained and you don't start the cycle over again post-transformation. It's not the same, but popping was the only way I was able to break free from the obsession I used to have with the Void, back during my void-crazies. Going full monster gave me the clarity needed to close my research and stop. And even then it was hard. Stopping is going to be hard, as simple as it seems.

oh boy. I don't like that. I was nearly fully turned a few times in the caves and that's when I, you know. hunted people.

fuck.

Dr. Strange thinks I need a vacation. like, to just stop trying to help people at all.

There would be some benefit to that. Some self-care would do you good. At the very least: a spa day.

oh my god yes. OK. I think I've got a plan.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you, Ianthe. I know you're only ever looking out for me.

That's not true. Everything I do is to benefit myself. Just sometimes that means helping my friend unfuck himself cause he's my friend. So what's the plan? Manipedi followed by a massage and facial mask?

liar. <3

yes. and no more painsex with people I barely know. and I'm going to the tournament!! I'm gonna look fantastic!

You're going to slay. I've commissioned some Cohort Whites to wear. Gold epaulets and all.

you'll be beautiful.

thanks, Ianthe.

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