I can't. I ca— [ she reels, breath coming out in wheezes. she tries to steady herself on ianthe, tries to sit up, to push back against the weight of her own power, but it has the unwieldy inertia of some huge vessel. alina's chest squeezes tight with the effort of reining it in. ] Something's wrong. It's not ... It doesn't feel like mine anymore.
[ she's sputtering now, fearful. tears burning in the corners of her eyes. had it ever been hers? truth be told, it had never felt like it. she had discovered it so late that it was always some foreign thing. alina starkov, and the sun summoner. a duality that she could not reconcile.
the eerie glow is back, that alluring quality almost like a song that draws ianthe in, that both soothes and arouses. just as the bone had at her clavicle, feathers pierce through the skin of alina's back, springing forth intermittently like down stabbing out of a pillow. ]
I don't know what to do.
[ but as she says this, she listens. looks up into ianthe's face, her eyes. remembers their training sessions. the way that ianthe had probed at the weaknesses of that shield, and how alina had made the light breathe, how she had learned to make it harden, to call it more quickly.
to dismiss it just as soundly when it was better than shattering it.
she can hear her own breathing roaring in her ears. she presses her eyes shut, grip tightening on ianthe's shirt, and reaches deep into the well of her own chest to search for that feeling, to shake loose something that will cut off the light's source, that will quell it.
she doesn't want to be a monster. she doesn't want to be a monster.
it starts to fade. the light narrows first into a band, wobbling still like the rings of some far-off planet. cinching inward like a tightening rubber band. ]
no subject
[ she's sputtering now, fearful. tears burning in the corners of her eyes. had it ever been hers? truth be told, it had never felt like it. she had discovered it so late that it was always some foreign thing. alina starkov, and the sun summoner. a duality that she could not reconcile.
the eerie glow is back, that alluring quality almost like a song that draws ianthe in, that both soothes and arouses. just as the bone had at her clavicle, feathers pierce through the skin of alina's back, springing forth intermittently like down stabbing out of a pillow. ]
I don't know what to do.
[ but as she says this, she listens. looks up into ianthe's face, her eyes. remembers their training sessions. the way that ianthe had probed at the weaknesses of that shield, and how alina had made the light breathe, how she had learned to make it harden, to call it more quickly.
to dismiss it just as soundly when it was better than shattering it.
she can hear her own breathing roaring in her ears. she presses her eyes shut, grip tightening on ianthe's shirt, and reaches deep into the well of her own chest to search for that feeling, to shake loose something that will cut off the light's source, that will quell it.
she doesn't want to be a monster. she doesn't want to be a monster.
it starts to fade. the light narrows first into a band, wobbling still like the rings of some far-off planet. cinching inward like a tightening rubber band. ]